Cat
Not Even A Bunny Bunny
Life sux.
Posts: 240
|
Post by Cat on May 3, 2005 0:34:35 GMT -5
He stands there With those vibrant blue eyes Long dirt blond hair Curling just perfectly round the ends
He stands there Flirting with her Like he doesn’t care About me
He laughs loudly As she tells the joke There she stands proudly Happy he’s there
His perfect lips spread into a smile I smile back Until I realize it’s not for me, it’s for her My proud smile quickly fades away
He kisses her A peck to the cheek A peck on the lips A whisper in the ear
He sits there As I walk by He caresses her And embraces her
He stands there It’s too late, he doesn’t care That I am too standing there A tear slowly rolling down my cheek
|
|
|
My poem
May 3, 2005 18:54:34 GMT -5
Post by Eternal Life on May 3, 2005 18:54:34 GMT -5
aaaaaawwwww! ~.~
|
|
|
My poem
May 3, 2005 20:27:03 GMT -5
Post by Toxic Bunny Queen on May 3, 2005 20:27:03 GMT -5
Oh god, that totally depressed me.
|
|
|
My poem
May 3, 2005 20:48:25 GMT -5
Post by Eternal Life on May 3, 2005 20:48:25 GMT -5
i know! tears ',',',',',',',',',',',',',',','<--tears
|
|
Cat
Not Even A Bunny Bunny
Life sux.
Posts: 240
|
My poem
May 3, 2005 22:53:21 GMT -5
Post by Cat on May 3, 2005 22:53:21 GMT -5
I dont see why the poem is like crap.. I suck at poetery.
|
|
JoJo
Not Even A Bunny Bunny
Say "douglas". "Doug-las."
Posts: 267
|
My poem
May 3, 2005 23:26:25 GMT -5
Post by JoJo on May 3, 2005 23:26:25 GMT -5
You're sort of on the verge of something good there, it just needs some changes. I like the repetition thing you've got going.
|
|
Cat
Not Even A Bunny Bunny
Life sux.
Posts: 240
|
Post by Cat on May 4, 2005 0:10:44 GMT -5
thanx hannah, you are like the only oen who is like giving me good ctriisms ans stuff that was my idea when i put it up! Liek what do you think i should change and stuff??
|
|
|
Post by Eternal Life on May 4, 2005 9:28:39 GMT -5
well you started out with an A pattern and then on stanza 4 and 5 you didn't have any rhyming pattern at all
|
|
|
My poem
May 4, 2005 17:52:23 GMT -5
Post by Toxic Bunny Queen on May 4, 2005 17:52:23 GMT -5
Zoe, poems don't have to rhyme.
|
|
JoJo
Not Even A Bunny Bunny
Say "douglas". "Doug-las."
Posts: 267
|
My poem
May 4, 2005 17:53:58 GMT -5
Post by JoJo on May 4, 2005 17:53:58 GMT -5
yeah, i didn't notice the rhyme until zoe mentioned it.
|
|
|
My poem
May 4, 2005 21:10:52 GMT -5
Post by Eternal Life on May 4, 2005 21:10:52 GMT -5
no they don't have to have rhyme. BUT if you start a rhyme pattern, which she did, then you must keep that pattern all the way through, which she didn't. just some constructive critisism here.
|
|
Cat
Not Even A Bunny Bunny
Life sux.
Posts: 240
|
My poem
May 4, 2005 21:17:21 GMT -5
Post by Cat on May 4, 2005 21:17:21 GMT -5
Lol, Ya I know I did that. You see at first iw as trying to ryhme and stuff then i got really lazy and didnt care. So i made up a new kind of poem it is called Metrafeverse. it is a metricalpoem and a free verse poem cobined!! hehee. Lol, No I really am going to either make it a free verse poem or a metrical, but i havent decided yet.
|
|
|
My poem
May 4, 2005 21:19:22 GMT -5
Post by Eternal Life on May 4, 2005 21:19:22 GMT -5
lol! cool! too bad my teacher wouldn't accept that, it would make poetry a lot easier!
|
|
Cat
Not Even A Bunny Bunny
Life sux.
Posts: 240
|
My poem
May 4, 2005 21:24:33 GMT -5
Post by Cat on May 4, 2005 21:24:33 GMT -5
lol. yes it would!! hehehe
|
|
|
My poem
May 4, 2005 21:53:14 GMT -5
Post by Eternal Life on May 4, 2005 21:53:14 GMT -5
I think it is an excellent poem otherwise though(oh god! i sound like Mrs. Eaton! AHHH!)
|
|